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Make the polo shirt great again

  • Published at 05:59 pm January 17th, 2019
AT_Jan 17, 2019
Photo: Allef Viniciusa

Make way for a new movement

An extremist ideology worth its salt has two elements: a symbol and a deep-seated fear to rally people under the symbol. They are the hallmarks of successful movements such as #MAGA and xenophobia, InCels and women, bhorti coaching and paternal disapproval. 

I propose an addition to this pantheon. I say we make the polo shirt great again. 

Like a tennis bracelet or baseball cap, the polo is not sport-dependent. You know what a polo shirt is but you probably have no idea how polo is played. FYI, polo is when rich people get up on horses and take a mallet to the hopes and dreams of the poor while the poor watch. Everyone has fun. 10/10, would recommend. 

Polos are great for our climate. Heat, meet short sleeves. Humidity, light fabric would like a word.  Endless traffic, have you met buttons to fidget with? 

White people love polos because they make for excellent removable layering options. If your office is not too uppity, consider donning a lightweight blazer over a solid color polo. Remove the blazer, and it is go-go time for you to race wherever you are called. Wear a striped polo in lieu of a dress shirt and tie, because it is a refreshing thing to see. 

A good, lightweight polo from one of our local retailers is a good get. An authentic slim-fit La coste or a Ralph Lauren is even better. Both will last you long if you take proper care. 

Then, why oh why, are they the province of gynecomastic uncles and little boys?

This uneasy alliance agrees on two things: we treat all women like they are our mothers and that we own polos. It is their Eid outfit in the summers and corporate picnic dress in the winters. Uncles do not walk and boys can sweat through lead, so they do not deserve this beautiful garment. And what is everyone else in the middle left with? T-shirts. Ill-fitting, overpriced, goddamn tees. 

I say to you, the polo belongs to us, right in our grubby millennial hands. To us belongs sanctuary from hath-kata dress shirts, the evergreen sign that you have given up. We work hard, we occasionally pay taxes and we live with our parents -- we have earned the right to exclusivity to the polo. The polo symbolizes our status in life, that we have arrived and we are here to stay. Ektu jayga den. 

And now for the deep-seated fear: gynecomastia is a real thing and you and I suffer from it. Fat children are desirable and fat uncles means aunty is going to be rich very soon. You and I are skinny-fat, not least because we are raised to think platefuls of rice and starch are salubrious. We have realized a little too late that complex carbohydrates is why the torso wobble is here to stay. You and I, we have two weapons: lots of strength training and clothes that hide the shame.

Pectoral exercises are going to take some time to show their effects. You need your confidence otherwise your eyeballs will fall off from furtively checking your torso shirt bulge. Do not be afraid to wear clothing that fits you and you are comfortable in. You notice more than anyone else does, so be bold. Wear that polo with the snug armholes and the tight chest, you look fantastic. 

And remember, easy on the rice. #MPGA